Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”