When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
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The Last Dance just keeps getting better
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I identify as an antique shop.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*