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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I’d use my best pan on you.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.