Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on