Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
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Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Just a friendly reminder!
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Black Friday “markdowns” like
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right