A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.
My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.
Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.
There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.
Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it “resisting arrest.”
Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.
The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….
A good sign that you’re not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.
Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour gay.