Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
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Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I’m being attacked 😭