Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
inventing words: clothing
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart