Me: But do you really have what it takes to be as cool as me?

*coolly tosses cashew high in the air, smoothly catches cashew in trachea, suavely chokes to death on cashew*


I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.


“Hm. Does this razor-edged boomerang spark joy?”
– Marie Kondo’s last words


Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?


I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.


Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]