Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me, 10:15pm: I’m taking melatonin and hoping for a good night’s sleep!
Brain, 1am: Hey, did we turn off the stove?
Body, 1:30am: everything either itches or hurts
Brain, 2am: Your last work email was full of typos, moran
Body, 3am: I *told* you you’re lactose intolerant lol