@BeeeejEsq

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

@BeeeejEsq

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

@BeeeejEsq

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

@BeeeejEsq

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

@BeeeejEsq

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

@BeeeejEsq

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

@BeeeejEsq

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

@BeeeejEsq

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

@BeeeejEsq

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

@BeeeejEsq

Me, 10:15pm: I’m taking melatonin and hoping for a good night’s sleep!

Brain, 1am: Hey, did we turn off the stove?

Body, 1:30am: everything either itches or hurts

Brain, 2am: Your last work email was full of typos, moran

Body, 3am: I *told* you you’re lactose intolerant lol