Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive