Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
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If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.