somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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