Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.