Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
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Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda