Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
You Might Also Like
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl