if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
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best review i’ve ever seen
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.