Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
The Sun
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.