uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
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[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
😲 WTF? 😆
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.