Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
#Caturday
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Finished stitching this today 😇
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*