I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
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Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.