Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic