*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
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RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”