if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
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[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.