People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
You Might Also Like
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.