Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.