Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
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Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
had to share :’)
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
You are what you delete.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*