My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Good point.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again