[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
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She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind