When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
You Might Also Like
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I finally found a reason to live again.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]