Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?