Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.