wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
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My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.