Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.
the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…