Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Möther may I have a snäck
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.