@BigBagOfScum

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

@BigBagOfScum

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

@BigBagOfScum

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

@BigBagOfScum

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

@BigBagOfScum

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

@BigBagOfScum

All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.

@BigBagOfScum

the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…