‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
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ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.