The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
When I snag the last meatball.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION