I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?
Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.