Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of BigJDubz's best tweets

@BigJDubz : Her: you're in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can't... drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

@BigJDubz: Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

@BigJDubz: Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we're going to the cinema. What's the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

@BigJDubz: Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

@BigJDubz: Who said "do something each day that scares you?" I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

@BigJDubz: 1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn't want in cider

@BigJDubz: Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she's hot

Priest: absolutely not

@BigJDubz: STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

@BigJDubz: One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

@BigJDubz: Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely