
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards