@BigJDubz

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

@BigJDubz

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

@BigJDubz

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

@BigJDubz

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

@BigJDubz

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

@BigJDubz

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

@BigJDubz

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

@BigJDubz

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

@BigJDubz

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

@BigJDubz

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards