I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
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I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor