I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
You Might Also Like
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.