I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”