inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
You Might Also Like
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.