doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
They’re the worst 😩
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
“You want me to do what?!”🤣