After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
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Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.