I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*