Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
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Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
#CatsOnTwitter
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
yea so i messed up lol
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*