Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT