When you’ve simply given up.
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ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Always a metermaid never a meter
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more