Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Birdhumms's best tweets

@Birdhumms : People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

@Birdhumms: Brain: If we leave now we'll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

@Birdhumms: I don't know if it's a cold or a flu, I've decided to feed it anyway.

@Birdhumms: Don't eat sugar, don't drink alcohol, don't eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise....

And you'll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

@Birdhumms: Don't fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

@Birdhumms: My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

@Birdhumms: They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

@Birdhumms: I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

@Birdhumms: Welcome to your 40's where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

@Birdhumms: The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.