@Birdhumms

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

@Birdhumms

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

@Birdhumms

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

@Birdhumms

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

@Birdhumms

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

@Birdhumms

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

@Birdhumms

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

@Birdhumms

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

@Birdhumms

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

@Birdhumms

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!