Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@Birdhumms : People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
@Birdhumms: Brain: If we leave now we'll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
@Birdhumms: I don't know if it's a cold or a flu, I've decided to feed it anyway.
@Birdhumms: Don't eat sugar, don't drink alcohol, don't eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise....
And you'll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
@Birdhumms: Don't fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
@Birdhumms: My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
@Birdhumms: They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
@Birdhumms: I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
@Birdhumms: Welcome to your 40's where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
@Birdhumms: The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.