Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
welp
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong