I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
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[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat