me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
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Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Kermit goes Blue.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies